It might not seem like much, but I have been very tired, both physically and mentally, and I’m proud of myself for even getting this little done. For most of the past two weeks I’ve been home from work on sick leave, sleeping a lot, as it all became too much for me, and all I could do in the end was to sit by my desk at work and cry because I was so tired and didn’t know where to start that day’s work – and it wasn’t even that busy a day. Some of you may know I had a little sister who died six years ago after fighting cancer for seven years. I never really confronted the feelings and experiences I had during those years and final days, and my pregnancy related over sensitiveness combined with a demanding work (which includes situations reminiscent of my sisters treatments and hospital stays), just made it impossible for me to keep them away any longer. So I’ve been at home, and what a relief it has been! I have started to slowly look at and analyze my feelings concerning everything with regards to my sisters’ illness, and though painful at times, I’m sure I’ll feel much better in the end. I would really like to have most of this done by the time baby comes, so it can have a strong, healthy and happy mother.
I am not really surprised at my reacting on this – it’s well known through lots of studies that siblings are usually the ones suffering most when a child has cancer, more so than both the ill child and its parents, but it still feels a bit embarrassing to feel so week and frail… Luckily I have a loving and supporting husband and family, who comforts me and encourage me to talk about it. So even though I’m going through a bit of a rough spot, I feel that I am blessed and still a lot better of than many others in the world.
I would eventually like to use my experiences for good. I have long wanted to work with siblings of children with cancer, but realized it was still a bit too close to home. But some day in the future, when my children are growing up, it’s something I’d like to do. I’ll be home next week as well, and after that I’ll go back to working, but just part time to start with.
So, you’ll have to excuse my lack of posts recently, and take my promise that I’ll post soon enough, and then there will be pictures and descriptions of my latest projects.